My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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