True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Randomize
