i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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