broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize