you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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