I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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