the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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