i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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