Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
