I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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