you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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