I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
