thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
