apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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