She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
