I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
