He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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