The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
