I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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