I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
