What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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