and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
