I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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