Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
