woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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