Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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