i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
