I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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