my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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