my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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