your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
