The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
