i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
