It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
