i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
