she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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