I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
