My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
