I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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