A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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