dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
