Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
