STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
