I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
