Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
