K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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