I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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