I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
