Duck Duck Cougar?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You're like the curious george of whores
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
