every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
We don't watch enough power rangers
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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