you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
