i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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