dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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