if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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