the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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