I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Randomize
