I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
